Something that’s been on my mind lately is fear. What it means, how to deal with it, why it shows up. Earlier in the week, a conversation triggered it and all sorts of weird stuff started coming up, leaving me no choice but to reassess my thoughts. This past year has been filled with tremendous change and spiritual growth that I don’t even know where to start. I think I’ve experienced the depths of every human emotion possible and I’ve reached a point where I feel like I can handle anything. When I made the decision to show up 100% in my life and embrace who I really am, it was equally terrifying and liberating.
What kept me ‘stuck’ for so long was the fear of what I’d discover if I looked within.
I used to think I was doing the world a favour by not speaking my truth: how I felt and what I wanted, but most importantly – what I didn’t want.
I mean, there were expectations imposed on me that I ‘had’ to abide by because ‘it was the right thing to do, and I must be a shitty, selfish person for thinking otherwise’. (That’s what I used to tell myself!)
I want to share what I’ve learned about fear so far: It tends to show up when something is really important to us. Maybe it’s things that are beyond the material world; that the rational mind fails to comprehend. Desires our souls ache for. In my case, it was creating a life I was proud of, establishing genuine human connections and relationships, or… to be blunt: “Not giving a fuck.” Being afraid, but doing it anyway. (I’m sorry I said the f word, Mom)
What I mean by that is, owning our authenticity, surrendering and letting go of the urge to control how we “think” life should be, and instead, allowing life to reveal itself to us. There’s a lot of freedom and beauty in the unknown, and the answers are ALWAYS revealed eventually. So, with that in mind, we can afford to wait without anxiety or needless suffering. Based on my previous track record, “my way” of doing things has rarely worked to my advantage and I’ve learned that there is always a better way or perhaps a different way of thinking….
There’s a really great lesson in A Course In Miracles that teaches, ‘You must choose between total freedom or total bondage’. Let’s sit with that for a moment.
Essentially, you can’t half-ass it. It’s all or nothing, and that’s just the way it is. Total freedom doesn’t occur until we completely let go of the ‘idea’ of how we think things should be. It requires the willingness to question every value that we hold. It’s part of discovering who we really are, which is our only real obligation. ‘It is necessary to seek out what is false’. <– Another great ACIM line.
Um… this is what I thought about during two of my runs this past weekend. It’s one of the BEST gifts running has given me – I contemplate some deep stuff while I’m out there being wild and free in the forest.
I headed out for a trail run on Sunday afternoon with no set distance in mind. I just ran until my feet hurt. 3 miles in, I paused the Garmin, took a quick break and some self-timer shots, then kept going until I hit 5 miles.
Trail running is so awesome. There were moments when I felt as though I was flying. My feet hardly touching the ground, maneuvering around roots, rocks, twists and turns in the trails, taking in the sensation of being completely in the moment. I had to hold back from yelling “I’M SO ALIVE RIGHT NOW!” or “I’M PRETENDING I’M A TARAHUMARA RUNNER!” at passing mountain bikers.
…. I need to make a snack now. Green smoothie. Want.
Hi! How was your weekend?
Do you like trail running? What’s your go-to weekend fitness activity?
Tell me about a time when you were afraid but ‘did it anyway’. Was it as scary as you initially perceived it to be?