My Mom gave me some solid advice recently. You know it’s good when it becomes blog-topic worthy, hey?
I think there’s a misconception that driven, resilient ‘warrior-types’ such as myself are immune to fear, growing pains, or the curve balls life sometimes throws at you. Or that life is “easier”. Based on my experience, I’ve learned the warrior’s path is hard. Incredibly hard. It requires an enormous amount of courage and willingness to show up 100%: prepared to experience bliss, but knowing that at times, you’ll find yourself immersed in the depths of sorrow and fear.
Essentially, you’re forced to feel EVERYTHING. It’s a double edged sword. Living consciously doesn’t exempt us from pain or hardship. If anything, our experiences and emotions become intensified because we’re no longer just cruising through life comfortably numb. Lacking awareness, if you will.
As I approach the one year mark of moving to the mountains, I’m confident I’ve experienced every human emotion possible. I’ve encountered the thrill and awe of summitting mountain peaks, contentment and peace while paddleboarding under the stars, crushing loneliness while waiting to form new friendships and the spark of rekindling past and new romances.
I’ve had fulfillment and clarity from sitting in the forest and thinking out loud – sometimes trees make the best counselors. I’ve experienced deep longing for authentic, intimate connections, while confronting the fear of opening my heart and life to someone. I’ve had moments of lying awake at night, crying and “just wanting my Mom” or wondering, “What next? I don’t know what to do”. There have been times where I felt so broken I’ve had to force-feed myself. I’ve faked smiles and friendly conversations, despite the sensation of feeling suffocated by the lump in my throat. But, it was always with a grateful heart and acceptance that no feeling or situation is permanent: joy, pain, pleasure, confusion. It is what it is. It’s all about making the best of my circumstances and trusting the process.
I’ve recently discovered that I’m entering a new life cycle: my journey is calling me to expand (yet again) and shift my perception to welcome 2015’s challenges. All of them. It’s equally confusing and intriguing. The advice that my Mom gave me?
“There is something much bigger than you at work. You just can’t see it yet, but you will. So when you feel like you don’t know what to do, that’s the lesson: you don’t need to do anything. Just wait. Know that what is coming is much better”
I’ve always been a firm believer in, ‘The Universe Only Trades Up’. Sometimes, on the surface, situations seem terrifyingly painful. There’s definitely a period of loss, grief and re-building of oneself. But it’s always worth it. Always, always, always. I have this terrible habit of asking The Universe/God for what I want but then I get scared when it begins to manifest because it requires blind faith to trust my instincts and internal wisdom.
Do you ever experience that? There is some sort of intuitive compass inside all of us that defies logic or common sense, but it doesn’t lie. Ever. For me, it usually looks like this:
Weird feeling tells me something isn’t right –> Ignore —> Weird feeling urges me to understand something isn’t right —> Attempt to rationalize it/tell myself I’m being paranoid —> Weird feeling appears with a sense of urgency —> Okay I’m listening —> Weird feeling asks me what I want —> I say it out loud but make it clear I’m afraid —> Life starts to change —> I put up resistance and say I’m not ready —> Life continues to change with or without my opinion —> I’m terrified of what’s happening and feel out of control —> Things start making sense again —> Weird feeling is replaced by comfort and I feel okay again
Am I bi-polar? (Not to make light of mental health, but seriously. Sometimes I wonder how it is emotionally possible to feel EVERYTHING at all once)
It’s been a while since I’ve posted a ‘Life” post, hasn’t it? I miss these types of chats. It’s always been a topic that effortlessly flows from my fingertips or lips.
No questions today, but I’m eager to hear your thoughts on the illusion of ‘living a fearless life’ or lessons you remind yourself of when times are rough.
I keep this one in my back pocket: “I don’t know how to do this, but something inside of me does”