Good day to you!
I slept for 10.5 hours last night. Do you think I needed the rest, or what? Haha! After a few nights of poor sleep and waking up way too early, I think I died a little?
Onto Thinking Out Loud….
Believe Training Journal
Throughout my running journey, what has helped keep me accountable and aware during my training, is putting pen to paper and planning my workouts. I used to keep half marathon training schedules taped up around my house, but keeping a journal is much more helpful. What I love about this one is it’s intended for running and includes goal setting, check in points, inspiration, workout plans, tips for training and more. It’s everything you could ever need in a training journal!
Now that the days are getting longer, sunnier and warmer, I’m back to drinking a green smoothie a day. I find my digestion and “sense of wellbeing” is heightened when I’m consuming plant-y smoothies regularly. One of my current go-to recipes:
A few big handfuls of leafy greens (I like Earthbound Farms Power Greens mix)
1/2 cup fresh or frozen pineapple chunks
1/2 cup frozen mango
1 small frozen banana
1/4 cup plain greek yogurt
1/4 unsweetened almond milk
2 tbsp hemp seeds
a few ice cubes
It tastes like a tropical paradise.
We all need more physical activity in our lives, that’s for sure. Even someone like me who is a post-work/weekend warrior. Sitting at a desk all day is one of the unhealthiest things for humans to endure, but it’s a necessary evil. So are planks! That’s why I’m on a mission to do one a day and it really takes no time at all. Maybe a minute or two? Will you join Kaella and me? Say yes!
Colorful snack plates
Okay, so this one isn’t new, but the addiction is still going strong.
Have you read “You Do You: The Relationship Edition” by Jen @ Peanut Butter Runner? Oh goodness, you must! It’s been on my mind for the past week and almost everything she shared resonated with me.
Particularly, “It’s taken years of internal work and therapy to get to a place where I even feel comfortable talking about being divorced at 30. It’s not exactly the path I imagined myself taking and for a long time, I treated it as a stigma. The word “divorce” made my stomach turn every time I said it.”
I’m not sure if I’ve reached the point of being completely comfortable talking about my experience with being married. See? I can’t even write divorce. Even when I tell people about my past, I say, “I used to be married.” Part of it is because I can’t believe I used to be that person. My memories of that life feel completely foreign.
Another aspect is I still carry the shame of tearing my ex’s world apart, but more importantly, because I let things get so out of hand to begin with. Because I was afraid. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that wonders if I’m unlovable or destined for bad karma as a result of my actions. I know it’s not true, but those questions have definitely entered my mind from time to time.
A Course in Miracles has been instrumental in helping me see the truth about what and who I am, what I want, and assisting me in identifying illusion (fear) vs. truth (love). I’ve been studying it for two years.
Do you remember when I talked about making a birthday wish last summer? Well, it wasn’t really a wish, it was more like a promise to myself. Going forward, I dedicated myself to choosing Love over fear. Shortly after, the Universe gave me my first assignment. Oh man, was it ever a big one and I’m STILL in the midst of it! You see, I was craving an authentic, loving, REAL connection. But I was equally afraid of it. Funny how that works, hey? We fear what the heart wants the most. Why? Because we know it’s true but we’re terrified of change, losing control or upsetting others in the process.
We like to think life and the way it unfolds is on OUR terms. But it’s not.
The only difference this time around was that I was willing to be open to a new way of thinking and experiencing life. My old, limiting ways of perceiving relationships hadn’t served me, so it’s not like I had anything to lose.
And then I met ‘the boy’ that I sometimes talk about on my blog. Initially, I reverted to my old ways of immediately putting up walls: I’d flinch when he’d try to hold my hand and tried to talk myself OUT getting too close. “I’m not ready for this!” I thought. “It’s moving too quickly!” “What would my family think?” “I don’t want my family to be disappointed in me” “After what I’ve done, I’m not deserving or worthy” “If this continues for much longer, we’re going to get attached and I don’t feel ready for this kind of commitment” “I have no idea where my life is headed and until I figure it out, it’s not fair for me to be in a relationship”
“Figuring it all out” is such a bullshit illusion, by the way.
I’m confident I’ve experienced every self destructive thought possible. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was also asking himself the same questions. Like Jen says in her post, “We were two broken people putting up walls.”
Despite the uncertainty and self-doubt, it was hard to overlook how authentic, easy and fun our connection and dynamic was (is). It seemed too good to be true. Even though it’s not “perfect” it feels like the closest thing to perfection. Does that make sense?! It’s difficult to put it into words. That said, it’s been a messy but beautiful process of questioning ourselves, confronting deep rooted fears, learning to heal and grow, a break up (during Mercury Retrograde – of all times!) and then getting back together after my Dad suffered a heart attack. It’s interesting how my Dad’s broken heart ended up bringing us back together. Since then, things just feel… better. And different. I have complete faith and trust that the Universe is giving me exactly what I need to grow into the best version of myself.
Before you get too excited, this isn’t a Happily Ever After/I’m Getting Married story. I actually have no idea what the future holds and I’m at peace not knowing rightthissecond. As with anything in life, the answers are revealed AFTER THE WORK IS DONE. <– Sometimes I think I need this tattooed on my face as a reminder to not get too far ahead of myself. So far, trusting my heart is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself because it has always led me to the truth. Yes, it’s going to be scary at first, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pursue it.
The bottom line is: despite the trauma and drama I’ve endured, I believe in Love more than ever. It’s the only thing in this world that is real.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day!
As Oprah likes to ask, “What do you know FOR SURE?”
Name three things you’re obsessed with right now: